“Oi Harriet, but you talk about Jesus too much!”
First of all, y’all don’t know who He has been to me. Ebu, let me tell you about it.
It’s somehow funny to remember the conversation I had with my then ex-boyfriend about my decision to follow Jesus. I was a ball of excitement and jubilant expectation, then some more. “Congratulations! That’s a big step! Am happy for you.So what happens to us now?” Not exactly at the same moment in time, but those were his sentiments over the next couple of days. And this, ladies and gentlemen, unbeknownst to me, was an introduction to the cost of being a disciple of Christ. I did not see how my decision would affect us or our relationship. He knew thou, he wasn’t ready to make such a decision. And so the last time we hang out, we knew it was over. So I prayed for him and said the grace. I know, I knoooooow how that sounds! But yah girl was excited to plant those seeds. Haha.
What I wish I would have truly understood from the beginning about salvation is that, every waking day would be a battle on who I yield to: My Flesh (sin) or The Holy Spirit. And yielding to the Spirit would cost me. Many times I’ve yielded to my flesh more than i’d like to admit. In some instances, like David I woke up with someone in bed who was not mine. Other days, unlike Job (Job was a solid guy, you guys!) I blamed God for misery in my life and fled from Him. So today, we’ll share on a David/Job story of my life.
There was a time, I believed and trusted so hard for God to work in my family and other stuff, and when it didn’t go as expected, I got mad at God for failing me and altogether withdrew from Him. One specific instance, I’d been believing God for said family, even moved home to work things out, but believe me guys, we have a foe that will resist our good intentions to bring peace. And the same way God uses people to do good, the enemy will use people to counter that good. So I had prayed, trusted, believed but I was met with hate and physical abuse. A scar round my neck just recently disappeared from an “incident” at home,courtesy of my own uncle. Maybe it was always in me to rebel, but this pulled the trigger to it. I remember thinking to myself, “F*#%@k this S*#!t!!!” Those were my exact thoughts. I got soooo mad at God for failing me and called it quits on Him. Khalas! (Arabic for finished) I was done with this God-business. I was going to rebel and have nothing to do with him. So I called up a random friend, you know those ones you are so sure you wouldn’t wanna marry, but they like you and are a distraction.. yes, one of them and in the greatest act of rebellion I could master, we did it. But even in all that hurt and pain, before that fall, I specifically remember hearing the Father’s voice beckoning: Don’t do this. This will become part of your story. But. I. Din’t. Care. I was too hurt and in so much pain to care. But let me tell you we serve a God who won’t let us die in our own mess or misery. If you let Him, He’ll pursue, restore, rebuild and set you right back on the track of going after His heart. Personally, He did this by sending friends around me. I was so ashamed,guilty and broken to do anything. But He sent Winter, who in the calmest voice ever, called and asked,”Who are you with?” (The Holy Spirit is like a CIA-Agent guys. He’ll snitch up on you for your own good. I love Him. And love Winter and their relationship)
Then He sent Susan, who literally teared up when I confessed my sins to her but spoke such life and truth to my heart. (Susan is that girl! She hears me when am silent,calls me out on my bullshit and gently challenges me to be better. Am here for all of this and more bestie!)
And then sent Jack to say,”I love you.” I was at my lowest, most unlovable, unworthy, unforgivable and inconsolable point ever. But Jesus! (and this man Jack!) said they loved me. It’s undoubtedly, the most significant “I love you” I’ve ever heard from anyone in my life.
But like the story goes with many people who have been hurt, I ran. I literally ran way. I mean, gave stuff away/sold some, got on a flight and went to begin a new life in a whole different country(with 100% help of my aunty who lives there/here/Dubai. This is partly why am in Dubai right now. I was running from pain and having to deal with it. But you can’t outrun the pain in your own heart. It festers. As John Green aptly puts it,”That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” And so it did. Out here, in the world, literally alone with
less distractions, I lie, Dubai has so many distractions. But let me tell you when God is after your heart!!!Nothing else in this world will fill that space. Not travel, not a brand new partner, not a new job, NOTHING. Nothing. Will Fill. That. Space. But. God Himself. God will have all of you! His love will pursue you and nothing will separate you from it. Not even when you willingly take yourself to the wilderness; literally and figuratively.
I watched as slowly a hunger for nothing else apart from Him and His word grew inside me. And as His Spirit enabled me to yield daily, God begun healing wounds deep in my soul I didn’t even know existed. He’s dug up pride, abandonment issues, insecurities, lust, fear of rejection, general fear, the need for people approval and answered the cries of a 14 year-old Harriet, “Why did you let my mother die?” He has emptied all I thought I was and keeps filling me up with the truth of who He created me as; His child.
I came unworthy and was met with so much forgiveness and acceptance. I came orphaned (in real life and at heart) but God, my Father has revealed Himself as Father and I know and I know am His child, daughter and heir through Jesus Christ. I came broken and wounded and was met with the such grace, mercy and love. I come, today, rejected and desolate and He meets me with, “I call you Hephzibah, because I delight in you and your land will be married;like a wedding celebration …I rejoice over you.” Hebrews 62;4. And daily He whispers, “Come! I am with you, I am powerful and mighty to save you, I take great delight in you, I will quiet you with my love and I continually rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17. So Come to Him too. Keep continually coming to Him.
This is definitely not my whole testimony, but as God makes me whole and leads me on sharing we’ll keep talking. But this is definitely a significant chapter in my walk with Jesus. I hope this is an encouragement to you at whichever point you are in with Jesus, He’s gotchu!! Don’t be afraid, He is with you. Do.Not.Be.Afraid. Jesus is with you. Jesus died for all our sins, our past, present and future sins. All you have done wrong and all you will ever do wrong is all accounted for by Jesus’ death and resurrection. It took forever to get that truth from my head to my heart, I hope you believe and own this truth today. Jesus loves you, He wants you, He desires to have an intimate relationship with you, He is calling out for you today. That’s why you are reading this. Jesus longs for you. Yes you! Please meet with Him today. You can begin with reading His word and asking Him to meet you. Be encouraged, He will meet you.
Do you have any questions about having a relationship with Jesus? As me about it on the comments/DM’s/and any of my social platforms. Would love to hear from you
Thank you for reading.Keep Sharing your testimony. It may be just what someone needs to hear.
Jesus loves you like crazy!